University Starts Handbell Boxing Program                                      

Dallas - Dallas Baptist University has apparently started a new athletics program called "Handbell Boxing". This new sport plans to utilize the talents of the "University Ringers" as they compete against other handbell groups from around the country.

              

When interviewed about this new program, an athletics official said this was another way for the university to widen its horizons. "We have become too focused on Christian principles and not focused enough on improving our athletics program."

                   

Others show concern that the new program might be too dangerous for those students who participate. One DBU Administrative official though otherwise.

                   

"You people are getting all worked up for no reason. This here sport is just as safe as, say, running with the bulls, plane walking, and eating in the DBU cafeteria. All of which people have occasionally survived."

             

The DBU Retort will keep you updated on any lawsuits that occur due to this activity.

DBU Holds First Annual Cheerleading Tryouts; Huge Success                                           

Dallas - Summer is normally a time for rest and relaxation, however, for 17 DBU students this summer represents the chance of a lifetime.

                   

This "chance" we are referring to is the opportunity to compete for that ever allusive spot on the DBU Cheerleading team. Some of those trying out are staking their entire college lives on this moment. Diamond Belle alumni Jessica Belle Marcus was particularly excited.

                    

"I still can't believe I am doing this! It's been my dream ever since high school. I would have been a cheerleader then, but I was a slightly over-weight 375 lbs and the other girls were too weak to hold me up. Today I'm down to a healthy 287, so there shouldn't be any problems."

                    

Others were doubtful that Marcus would make it.

                    

"She's just too, what's the word... 'hefty'. I hate to be bluntly honest here, but 'hefty' people don't make good cheerleaders."

                    

The DBU administration released a statement today banning the use of any movement during the cheers stating, "...swaying one's body to rhythms constitutes a form of dancing. Such blatant disregard for the inerrant convictions of the DBU moral code of conduct will not be tolerated by DBU and will fall subject to the wrath of God and the DBU administration."

                    

So far there has only been one person capable of lifting Marcus, 115 lbs Jake Irkland.

                    

"I don't know how I do it", Jake chucked after finished up a cheer. "It's kind of like giving birth, I just close my eyes and push."

     

Thank You                                       

The DBU Retort would like to pay a special tribute to all of the men and women that have given their lives while serving our great country.

                 

We owe everything we have to your courage and patriotism and today we offer up a prayer for all of you whom have served, are serving now, and for those who have lost someone while they served.

                    

Thank you all for fighting for freedom for all of us.

If you have anyone in your family that is currently serving in the US Military, If you'll comment to this post with their name and any other info you want we'll add them to our prayer lists.

                    

Sincerely,
The DBU Retort